Hints for Parents

PARENTING A COLLEGE FRESHMAN
Some Hints

Your daughter or son, along with two millions other young adults in the United States, is about to begin and experience that is both exciting and frightening at once—a period of joy, pain, discovery, and disappointment. These students are beginning an interval in their lives from which they will emerge much different than they entered. You are entering this period with them, which is important. You will experience happiness and defeat just as they will—possibly with as much satisfaction and joy or disappointment. Some hints may help both you and them to prepare for what lies ahead.

Hint No. 1: Don't ask them if they're homesick

The power of association can be a dangerous thing. A student once expressed that "the idea of being homesick didn't even occur to me, what with all the new things that were going on, until my mom called one of the first weekends and asked, 'Are you homesick?' Then it hit me."

The first few weeks of school are filled with new activities and friends. The challenge of adjusting to new situations takes much of a new student’s time and concentration. So, unless they're reminded of it often (perhaps by a well-meaning parent), they'll probably be able to escape the loneliness and frustration of homesickness. However, they may be homesick at some point later in the semester when life at the university seems less inviting. This is a natural part of the adjustment to university life and life away from the comforts of home. Even if they don't tell you during those first few weeks, they do miss you.

Hint No. 2: Write (even if they don't write back).

Although most freshmen are still anxious for family ties and the security those ties bring, they are typically eager to experience all the away-from-home independence they can in the first weeks. This surge of independence may be misinterpreted by sensitive parents as rejection, but most freshmen (even though 99 percent won't ever admit it) would give anything for some news of home and family, however mundane it may seem to you.

There's nothing more depressing than a week of empty mailboxes. (Warning-don't expect a reply to every letter you write. The you-write-one, they-write-one sequence isn't always adhered to by college students, so anticipate some unanswered correspondence.)

Hint No. 3: Ask questions (but not too many).

College freshmen are "cool" (or so they hope) and may have a tendency to resent interference with their newfound lifestyle, all the while still desiring the security of knowing that someone is interested in them.

Parental curiosity can be overbearing and alienating or relief giving, depending on how questions are asked. "I have a right to know" questions should be avoided. However, genuine inquiries and other "between friends" communication and discussion will do much to further the parent-freshman relationship.

Hint No. 4: Expect change (but not too much).

The university and the experiences associated with it can effect changes in social and personal behavior and academic, vocational, and other choices. The previous wallflower may become a campus sweetheart, a premed student may discover that biology is not her thing after all, or a high school radical may become a college conservative.

You can't stop change—you may not even understand it—but it is within your power (and to your son's or daughter's advantage) to accept it. Remember that your freshman will be basically the same person that you sent away to school, aside from such changes in interests and shifts in personality. By the same token, don't expect too much too soon. Maturation is not an instantaneous or overnight process, and you might well discover your son or daughter returning home with some of the habits and hang-ups, however unsophisticated, that you thought he or she would have outgrown. Be patient.

Hint No. 5: Don't worry (too much) about depressing phone calls or letters.

Parenting can be a thankless job, especially during the college years. It's a lot of giving and only a little receiving. Often, when troubles become too much for a freshman to handle (a flunked test, an ended friendship, and a shrunk T-shirt all in one day), the only place to turn, write, or dial is home. Unfortunately, since these are the times that the urge to communicate is felt most strongly, you may not hear about the A paper, the new romance, or the changed major.

Be patient with those nothing-is-going-right-I-hate-this-place phone calls or letters. You're providing a real service with your sympathetic ear. Granted, it's a service that may make you feel lousy, but it works wonders for a frustrated student.

Hint No. 6: Visit (but not too often)

Occasional visits by parents (especially when accompanied by shopping sprees, dinners out, etc.) are another part of first-year events that freshmen are reluctant to admit liking but appreciate greatly. Pretended disdain of such visits is just another part of the first-year syndrome. Visits give students a chance to introduce some of the important people in both of their worlds (home and school) to each other. Additionally, it's a way for parents to become familiar with (and more understanding of) their son's or daughter's new activities, commitments, and friends.

Spur of the moment "surprises" are usually not appreciated. (Preemption of a planned weekend of studying or other activities can have disastrous results.) Giving some notice may even afford you that rare sight of a clean room.

Hint No. 7: Do not tell them that "these are the best years of your life."

The freshman year (and those that follow) can be full of indecision, insecurities, disappointment, and, most of all, mistakes. They're also full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and great people. Often, however, it's not the good that stands out, except in retrospect.

It takes a while (and the help of some good friends) for freshmen to realize that previous perceptions of what the university is all about were inaccurate. It also takes a while to accept that being unhappy, afraid, or confused, disliking certain people, and making mistakes (in other words, accepting oneself) are all part of the experience, all part of growing up. It sometimes takes a while longer for parents to accept.

Any parent who believes that college students always get good grades, know what they want to major in, have activity-packed weekends, are surrounded by thousands of close friends, and lead carefree, worry-free lives is wrong. So are parents who think college-educated means mistake-proof. Parents who perpetuate and insist upon the "best-years" stereotype are working against a son's or daughter's already difficult self-development. Those who understand and accept the highs and lows are providing support and encouragement when it's needed most.

Hint No. 8: Trust them.

Finding oneself is difficult enough without feeling that the people whose opinions you respect most are second-guessing you.

One of the most important things a parent can write to a daughter or son might go something like this: "I love you and want all the things that make you happiest. You, not I, are the one who is in the best position to know what those things are."

Hint No. 9: Water what you want to grow.

If your first questions are always about dates, social activities, or the score of the most recent game rather than about books, ideas, classroom discussions, and cocurricular activities (out-of-class lectures, seminars, concerts, exhibits, intramural activities, etc.), you may be sending the wrong signal about what is really important at the university.

Having a student at BYU provides a wonderful opportunity to learn something about a new book and the latest views on a topic of mutual interest. We urge you to ask about these things first, so that you find the conversation a rewarding experience and so that your son or daughter sees that the demanding work of the university is what matters to you as well.

Hint No. 10: Join the parents program.

This is a way to stay aware of university activities. This program can help you better understand your student's environment and opportunities and enables you to stay easily informed of pertinent happenings. If you would like more information about the parents program click here.